trust…or the lack thereof

So that little guy to the left describes me pretty well right now. See, I’m in a lot of pain. This is something of a core dump, so for that I apologize…

Here’s where I’m at:

First, I’m horribly depressed. I guess that’s what happens when you’re supposed to be taking Lithium twice a day and you haven’t for 3 months, or maybe longer…I really can’t remember at the moment. I’d suffered no adverse effects from discontinuing the Lithium until today. At about 1400 hours, the whole world turned flat and absolutely gray. I hate this.

My girlfriend and I are going to be praying and fasting (starting the 24th of September) for 6 days regarding whether or not we should get engaged, and that is burdening me in ways that I didn’t expect.

In that scenario I’m finding it very, very hard to trust God. I have some pretty deep issues where trust is concerned, so that doesn’t surprise me.

The back-story on the trust issues is pretty simple: I’m adopted. My wonderful parents brought me home from the South Carolina Department of Social Services when I was three weeks old. They officially adopted me one year later. The reality of adoption didn’t really hit home for me until last year. The way adoption relates to trust is really easy. My biological mother, who was supposed to love me forever, just walked out. I was abandoned. My first experience of the world was a realization that you can’t trust anyone…eventually, everyone leaves you high and dry.

There’s a great quote in the movie The Crow where Brandon Lee tells a heroin addicted mother,

“Mother is the name for God on the lips of children…”

In my humanity, trusting my relationship with the woman I desperately desire to marry to God isn’t easy. I struggle with trusting everyone, especially God, every day of my life.

Add to that the fact that the 23rd of September is my 26th birthday, and we have the makings of some real mayhem! First, I hate my birthday. I always have. I’m still not convinced I have the right to be alive, or happy for that matter. Then within a week of my birthday, the phenomenal relationship I have with Sweetpea could potentially come to a crashing halt. Can we say, “Major freakout coming on” boys and girls? I think we can…

I really need your prayer right now…


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